Self Esteem, what does it mean?

As a therapist offering compassion focused therapy, self esteem is something I work with a LOT. Boosting self esteem, and building self worth have become somewhat of a speciality. But what is it and why do we need it?

I shall admit, I had to google it to get an official definition - the dictionary defines self-esteem as ‘belief and confidence in your own ability and value’. So let’s run with that, and break it down.

1) Belief - do you believe, truly, honestly?

2) Confidence - do you trust in your abilities, again, honestly?

3) Ability - your strengths and capabilities, your skills and competencies.

4) Value - your sense of worth.

So do you? Do you have a true, utter belief in your skills and capabilities? Do you trust that they can stand the test of time? What about your self worth? That’s a tough question! One many, perhaps most, struggle with. A lot don't even know how to define their sense of worth, let alone whether they feel they have it. I'll save that for another blog though!

To have a good self esteem is to have that complete and utter belief, and confidence in your strengths and skills, and your self worth. Obviously this is on a scale. Some people out there (in fact a lot of people) are low on the scale, with very little to no self belief. Others are overshooting the scale, reaching levels of narcissism. So there is a sweet spot, a spot where you know your worth, and believe in yourself, without arrogance. How to reach that sweet spot, and break through fears of arrogance while getting there is a story for another day, and of course something I can help with in sessions.

Ah, to have the unwavering confidence of a child in a costume!

Why is it important to work on our self esteem? Because without it life is a pretty miserable place. We are incredibly harsh on ourselves, putting ourselves down constantly. The inner critic is a constant companion (or should I say bully). We avoid trying new things, sure we’ll fail if we do. We doubt ourselves and our abilities and we expect others to do the same, convinced that everyone sees us the way we see ourselves. This is no way to live. I’d know - I’ve been there! It is tiring and lonely to constantly live in a place where you don’t feel like you’re ever good enough at what you do, or even worse, simply at being you! Having good self esteem gives you the exact opposite!

What I love about the above definition is that it brings in the concept of worth. Quite often when you ask people about what they think self esteem is, it is largely about their strengths and skills. Yes, this is part of it, but it can’t be all. If we only ever focus on our strengths and abilities and build ourselves up on our successes, then we can fall into the trap of fearing failure. Where as if we also build up our sense of self, and our own worth, then we can stay confident in ourselves despite failures. We become more resilient. We can recognise that the thing we tried failed, but that doesn’t inherently mean that WE are a failure. And this is an incredibly strong, and empowering place to stand!

So, if you are looking for a therapist to help you build up your self esteem and self worth, and to explore your sense of self then get in touch today.